I am beginning to learn the strength & depth of my ego. My god, the stories it tells!! Complete & utter lies! I ask myself, "Who am I without these stories?" No really...."Who the fuck am I?"
The stories I tell myself have such a wonderful way of making my life all about me. Now I am questioning everything. Is it true? Is it really true? ....Most of the time...NO!
I feel like I am going through yet another metamorphosis. But is that true? Or is that yet another story I'm telling myself to keep me feeling special? Geez....I could go crazy. Perhaps I am. It's so funny really, how delusional I have been. All the time thinking I am quite sane.
There is a lot of stuff happening around me at the moment. People are sick. People are in hospital having operations. People are breaking up. Rifts between friends. Relationships breaking down. Anger, negativity...it's all coming up & out like a big vomit. Yet underneath it all, I find peace. I can hear the garbage truck emptying our bins. All is normal, life goes on no matter what is going down or coming up. Everything is changing yet it still looks the same. I'm loving all of it. It's a realization.
I have an urge to meditate. Why? I sit to go deeper or is it to escape? I'm so glad I don't have to go anywhere or do anything today. It is all about me. Me and my ego. Who are you? Who am I? Lets sit and talk some more. I'm curious to get to know more of you so that perhaps there will will be less of me.
So...I think it all began when a friend of a friend whom I consider to be a friend of mine also started to make Dream Catchers as a hobby. She was making them out of wool and they were just lovely. I thought to myself, "what a lovely thing to do, what a lovely hobby to have". I loved them so much I purchased 2 of them. I didn't know it then, but a little seed had been planted.
Then sometime after that, I'm not sure how long, we were at our favourite camp site. All around us were strangler vines hanging down. They were quite thick. I thought to myself and said to my husband. "I can make something out of those vines". Next thing I knew, I was cutting a long piece off and I just began to weave. It felt so organic and completely natural like I had done it before. I felt so happy with what I was creating. I said, "I can make Dream Catchers out of these". And that's it really. I weaved about half a dozen circles that afternoon and took them home with me. Then I googled how to do the webbing, and that's it really. It was that easy.
Now, there is another part of this story that has added the magick to what I do. This happened around the same time. I'm not sure if it was before or after I started making Dream Catchers. It happened in deep meditation on the day I was being initiated into Reiki 1.. Whilst in deep meditation, I was asked to imagine my guide standing behind me. (I always felt I was guided, but until then I had never seen my guide). The presence who came in for me was a strong, masculine Native Indian. He stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders. His touch & his presence was very, very loving. I felt comforted by him. He radiated love and I got that he was a Healer. All was going along very nicely. Then all of a sudden, he slit my throat! (Did I tell you, I am a very visual person?) O.M.G!! W.T.F? Why? It completely stunned & shocked me and took me aback. Gasp!! As he did this, the words came..."You can trust". "You can trust." It was so clear and I immediately felt o.k. Still stunned, but o.k, confused, but o.k. I can trust.
When we all came out of meditation we were asked to share our stories if we wanted. Others' stories were nice, mine...not so nice. I didn't really want to share my story, but I needed my teacher's perspective on it. After I told them what happened, my teacher looked me in the eyes and asked, "Do you have trouble expressing yourself?" Yes, I do. Do you have trouble trusting that what you say is worthy & knowing? Do you cut yourself off? Yes I do. She advised that spirit talks to us via visuals and metaphors. I was relieved. And I got the message loud and clear!
My guide has been with me ever since. I have named him "Zephoria". I trust that is his name, but I can't be sure. I trust. He often appears in my meditations, not always. I feel he is with me when I create. I feel he guides me and is very pleased with our work. He is a healer. He is pleased that we put our healing energy into our work. I feel he is with me now as I write this. He is smiling. I have tears...again. I love him so. He has changed my life.
In a past life regression, I was once a male native indian healer also. Perhaps that is where I met Zephoria. Perhaps I am him? My life as this healer was one of loneliness. I was both revered & feared due to my powerful healing abilities. Out of respect, I was kept separate from the tribe. Close by but separate. I still have healing to do in regard to this. I find now that I have a love/hate relationship with healing. I want to do it, but it also brings up a lot of emotion for me. Hence I offer it, but don't pursue it.
I feel I best offer my healing via my art. It is so special, different, unique and powerful. It comes from both me & Zephoria. It is our creation. They are all our creations. I feel honoured to be doing what I do. It's very sacred.
I read something recently that is helping me pull myself out of the magnetic field of procrastination. I read that when we are aligned with procrastination we are aligned with fear. As most of us spiritualists know, there are only two real emotions or energies - Love & Fear. All other emotions cascade from these.
My goal this year more than ever is to align with love.
That is, to align with my higher Self. Hence my previous post on "Selfishness".
I find myself asking this question all the time now.
"Am I aligned with love or fear?" It's not that hard to work out.
But the problem prior to this was not knowing what I was aligned with due to lack of awareness of why I was constantly being distracted from what I love doing.
So, procrastination aligns me with fear. Really? How?
It takes me away from doing what I love.
It slows down my productivity or worse still, brings it to a complete halt.
It keeps me in my head & not my heart.
It then makes me feel guilty for not achieving my goals for the day.
Which then makes me feel weak, lazy, slack, not good enough, sad and full of self doubt.
It's a downer.
I have tried to turn procrastination into a nice guy, but it just doesn't pan out. He really isn't worth my time or energy. He comes all dressed up in cute bubbles and looks like so much fun to play with, but in the end you are left standing there, empty handed. Poof! The bubbles have evaporated. You got nothin' and you feel like a lost child who has just had the fun pulled right out from under you.
Don't be taken in by this dark handsome fellow of fear disguised as fun.
Align with love. It lasts longer and serves your highest self.
Then when your work is done & you have kicked all your goals for the day, get out your bubbles of joy & go play.
You deserve it!
Please enjoy my offerings of poetry and my creative perspective on subjects that matter to me. I hope you find value and enjoy reading.