It seems every decade comes with it's own dose of devastation and discovery. Can't I just have the discovery? Devastation is so dreary and not delicious at all! Let's see......
20's - Marriage, Motherhood, Divorce.
30's - Suicide and Marriage no.2.
40's - Yoga - Diving Deep, and a world of discovery there!
50's - Death, death & more death, Lots of discovery...but did I mention death?
Life just doesn't seem to get any easier, yet I am handling so much more it seems. It's true, we are only given what we can handle. Life's little shop of horrors seems to be open 24/7 these days. I find myself turning off all sources of media, even facebook is only a quick scan these days. I'm a sensitive, so I need to insulate myself. But horror still manages to sneak in through the back door.
This last week, I have sat by the hospital bedside of my almost 90 year old father. Neither of us knowing whether he will make it out alive. We have talked of life, death and many smaller details that make time pass comfortably. I held his hand and it occurred to me that it was probably the first time ever that we had held hands. I felt so incredibly sad.
Even then, I was holding his, but he wasn't really holding mine. The next day, I was reminded of this image of hand holding and how much love I had missed out on as a child. The floodgates opened and out came a really good quality snotty cry. It was quite the deluge! And so, so needed and warranted. I felt the pain of not feeling loved by my father. No hand holding, no hugs, no kisses, no I love you's. Quite frankly, I just wasn't seen by him. Once I came to grips with this devastation, the discovery appeared, I realized why and how I hold back my love and affection with others. I'm certainly a lot more affectionate than my father, I love a good hug and I am free with the I love you's, but I still feel a "holding back" at times. I forgive you dad, this was the way you were brought up etc, etc. I forgive myself too. We have done our best with what we have and where we are.
I gave Dad an Eclipse Mint the other day for his dry mouth. He said to me, "you look beautiful, today". Whaaat?...then I realized he was imitating the commercial, so I said back to him, "Don't be ridiculous". We both had a bit of a giggle, because we got each other. This thing we have in common - .Humour. Oh humour, you are a savior in life. You are the light in the darkness and I love you for it.
Two words have been floating around in my body this last week - Humility & Humour. They are such amazing gifts. In a sense, horror keeps you humble, it makes you take a good honest look at yourself, life and death. It makes you question everything and then it throws in some humour to lighten the load.
The older I get, the less time I have to dwell in darkness. I still go there, but I choose not to dwell. I retrieve what I need, I bring it into the light. I feel it, I work with it and I let it go. Done! Sadness does tend to linger longer. I allow that to hang out with me. We get quiet together. I nurse sadness with my love and make it as comfortable as possible. I treat it very gently and feed it spoonful's of understanding. I let it know I see, feel, hear you. Once it has been given the love and attention it needs, it starts to dissolve like a fluffy cloud and before I know it, clear blue skies have returned again and everything seems brighter. Again, it is Honesty, Humility and Humour that help the cloud to disappear. Laughter truly is the best medicine.
This week I have seen myself as a Wise, Wild Woman with a Wicked sense of Humour. And I am going to own that! It has taken me 55 years to get here. To dig through the deluge, delve into the deep, discover the jewels and delight in the gems. Just me and my holy tribe of honesty, humility and humour. Without them....I would be lost in the dark, waiting for the clouds to part.
May the long time sun shine upon you.
"Beware", false prophets are everywhere, preaching this and teaching that. Thinking and saying that they know where it's at.
Be discerning what you take into your heart, for it's not always true and it's not always smart. Maybe it's true for them on their path of light, trust only yourself to know what is right. Seekers abound, wanting to learn all they can, but the answers they seek are not from another's hand. Most teachers are seekers too, no different than you, they could be saying false things and thinking it's true.
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." This is the saying that we often hear. But there is something to be added and it needs to be clear, the teacher isn't out there, the teacher is in here. Sure, we can learn from others, they have much to share. Perhaps they have traveled where you wouldn't dare. Perhaps they have learned lessons that have caused them pain. The wounded healer has returned again!
Christ, the sacrificial lamb, his wounds to behold! He died for us, so the story is told. But, how do we know, were we there on that day? Do we blindly believe in what others say.? I'm not saying it's wrong or this story is untrue, just asking the question. Does this feel true to you? Perhaps, he is just another wounded healer with much to teach, stories to share, and insights to preach.
For me, the truth is not out there, it's right here inside, it's not playing a game of seek and hide. There is no one teacher who knows it all. This is the truth that starts many wars. We fight for sovereignty when it was ours from the start. The truth is not out there, it's right here in your heart.
We see a nest of eggs and feel the fragility of them and yet within lies this incredible power of potential & so much growth. It's true, if they fall from the nest, it will be the end for them. But when they are nurtured, loved and kept safe, it is just the beginning, the possibilities are endless. How we treat ourselves is exactly the same. Tend to your own nest, keep yourself safe, love yourself. Beware of those who are waiting on the outer limbs, wanting you to fall...wishing you would crack. Don't be pushed if your intuition says, "I am not ready". Something in you is great, something in you knows what they don't know. You know when your time is ripe. You know when it is safe to break open & free yourself.
Trust that, be patient. Timing is everything.
Hope is often seen as weak, like it's next to nothing - as in, "all we have is hope". I'm guilty of thinking about hope in this way at times, like hope is the last tiny, broken piece of cake on the plate., it's all there is left, it's that or nothing.
I have now chosen to see hope in a new light. Instead of seeing it as the last piece of cake, I am going to see it as the first. Let me see if I can get you on board.....
Hope is like a seed. As you place that seed in the earth you expect it to grow. That's what seeds do, right? The more you nurture that seed, the more chance you have of it growing. You have to take care of it. You push into the earth, you can't see it anymore, but you know it's there and you want it to grow, so you water it...and eventually it begins to grow. It has changed form and it is now a seedling which will grow into a plant and perhaps bare fruit some day. That's hope.
Hope is the dawn of a new day.
Hope is the first star at night.
Hope is taking the pregnancy test.
Hope is the birth of a baby.
Hope is love at first sight.
Hope is buying a lotto ticket. You gotta be in it to win it, right?
Hope is hearing bad news and trying to make it right.
Hope is a wish that is planted in your heart and watered by compassion and passion.
Hope is the first rung on the ladder. It is followed by faith, trust, belief and at the very top is knowing.
Hope should never stand alone for too long, she gets lonely and loves to have her family around to keep her safe.
So, hold on to hope, even when her sisters, faith & trust are out shopping. Keep her company, tell her she is safe in your heart. She may be the youngest in the family and the smallest, but she has the most potential.
Hope is number 1. She is your starting point. The gates have opened and the horses are bolting. Cheer her on, she just may win! I'm betting on Hope....every time.
We are born to live and we are born to die. And, in between we are meant to shine. We are made up of the same substance that makes the stars, they are our brothers and si-stars - do you see them shine too? I am a sovereign being of love and light. It is my belief that we are here on earth to - Be all we can. Do all we can, See all we can and love all we can. Experience everything, embrace everything - the dark as much as the light. Deny nothing.
The challenge we experience is that we have a limitless spirit dwelling in a limited body. We may feel young and vibrant on the inside, but after a certain age our bodies begin to tell another story. Our bodies are decaying and there is not a god damn thing we can do about it. There is no denying this process, it is part of the wheel of life. We are born, we live, we die. And, if you have the same beliefs as me - we do this over and over.
Aging is completely natural, it's real. And as Byron Katie says, "you can fight reality, but you will lose only every time." Recently, I heard a term that I hadn't heard before - "Pro-Aging". Pro-aging as apposed to Anti-Aging. Yes, Yes and Yes again! Finally! Someone who makes sense and is not trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Anti-aging is the biggest load of crap that has ever been thrown at us and of course that crap is being thrown right in the face of the Feminine. I mean, how gullible to you think we are? The beauty industry should be ashamed of themselves for feeding us this crap and making us feel fearful of aging, knowing full well that there is nothing anyone can do about it. I don't care how many degrees you have in the sciences.. You can not fight aging.
As if aging isn't hard enough, what with our aching backs, bung knees and hips, hot flushes and so on. Now we have to feel bad about the only things that don't ache, which is our skin and hair? Fuck off!! I refuse to feel "less than" because my face is showing signs of aging, my neck is getting somewhat wobbly and my goldy locks are not quite so goldy anymore. Bite me! I will not be purchasing any of your chemical ridden anti-aging creams that do nothing but fill my pores with poison & suck the life out of my purse.
I'm still a rebel on the inside. I'm Anti 'Anti-aging' I will be doing everything you tell me I shouldn't do. I will grow my hair long and let it go grey, (unless of course I feel it doesn't suit me, but so far so good). I will keep using my natural chemical free edible oil on my skin. Maybe it does nothing, but it feels good on the inside and feeds my skin instead of suffocating it. I'm going to love my wrinkly skin and wobbly neck and there's not a god damn thing you can do about it. How dare you try to make me feel bad about aging, just when I have begun to believe in myself. No, it's not happening. I am a very proud "Pro Ager" and I am not bowing down to your fear campaign. I stand for aging...just lit me sit for a bit, because my back is aching. Anyhoo, bugger off.
p.s. This lady on the right here is how I see myself in my future. Yes! What a Powerful Goddess she is. She is my inspiration for Pro-Aging, standing loud and proud!
Have you heard of the legendary myth of The Rising of the Phoenix? The legend has it that this amazingly beautiful bird that is one of a kind sets itself alight every 500 years or so and from the ashes rises a new bird born from it's own egg, ready to start the cycle of life all over again. It's the story of life, death & rebirth.
There are hints that 2016 is the year of Purification. Perhaps this is the year where the Phoenix sets itself alight? 2016 is a 9 year, 9 represents endings and beginnings. I feel this is a year to "tidy up" cleanse away anything that is holding you back from becoming all that you truly are. A real letting go (burning) away the old (death) and making way for the new (rebirth) improved, lighter & brighter you..
This beautiful Dream catcher Wall Piece was a commission for a client. I never know what is going to 'Arise' when I start creating. This one was a real surprise and it's funny how it always seems to coincide with something that is going on in either our world at large, my world, or theirs. In this case, I feel it is all three. The energy of this piece is so 'peaceful'. I had it hanging on one of my walls for a while after it was completed and every time it caught my eye, I smiled. It just feels right and good. It's time for renewal, it's time to free ourselves from the past and ascend to the future.
Rising of the Phoenix is lovinglyl hand made from strangler vine, branch, hand cut recycled leather for the fringing and also representing the flames as the Phoenix rises from the ashes. Red coral which is very grounding also reflects the flames and passion as it arises anew. The branch forms the Phoenix with beautiful black feathers that was the one request from the client - she loves black feathers. There are chakra stones starting with red for the eye and then all the other colours are placed at the base of each feather as it ascends skyward. Atop the piece is a beautiful Amethyst point that represents the spiritual rising.
If you would like me to create something unique and special (one of a kind) for you or a loved one, please feel free to contact me via my website, facebook or phone.. Creating personal pieces is my most favourite way of creating.
Here is just a snippet of the information that is available regarding this legendary mythical creature. I was aware of the legend of the rising of the phoenix but hadn’t really read up on it until I created this piece. I love the stories and I feel that we, as Universal Consciousness could be going through or about to go through a Rising of the Phoenix now. There is so much turmoil in the world and I feel it is cyclic, but I also feel there is a definite change in consciousness that is happening. We are all more aware of who we really are and that we are all connected and there is so much more to us than meets the eye. I also feel we are letting go of the old patriarchal system and bringing in more of the Feminine, hopefully returning ourselves & our planet back to balance.
(The Phoenix) has been around since about the 5th century. It seems many countries adopted this creature and have their own twist on it. Overall, The Phoenix is considered to bring good fortune and is a sign of immortality. This sacred firebird can be found in the mythologies of the Egyptians, Arabian, Persians, Greeks, Romans, Chinese, Hindu, Phoenicians, Mesoamericans, Native Americans, and more.
This beautiful, legendary bird lived in Arabia and, according to myth, consumed itself by fire every 500 years. A new, young phoenix — just as breathtaking — sprang from its ashes. In ancient Egypt, the phoenix represented the sun, which dies at night and is reborn in the morning. Greek mythology presents the stunning creature in the early morning — at dawn it bathes in water and sings an enchanting song. So beautiful is this song that the sun god Helios would stop his chariot to listen. There only exists one phoenix at a time. Upon its impending death, it builds a nest, sets itself on fire, and is consumed by the flames. A new phoenix springs forth from the pyre. Early Christian tradition adopted the phoenix as a symbol of both immortality and resurrection. Modern folklore utilizes the magnificent creature as a symbol of renewal, rebirth, and starting anew.
In ancient Egyptian mythology and in myths derived from it, the Phoenix is a female mythical sacred firebird with beautiful gold and red plumage. Said to live for 500 or 1461 years (depending on the source), at the end of its life-cycle the phoenix builds itself a nest of cinnamon twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix arises.
The new phoenix embalms the ashes of the old phoenix in an egg made of myrrh and deposits it in Heliopolis ("the city of the sun" in Greek), located in Egypt. The bird was also said to regenerate when hurt or wounded by a foe, thus being almost immortal and invincible - a symbol of fire and divinity.
The phoenix (known as Garuda in Sanskrit) is the mystical fire bird which is considered as the chariot of the Hindu god Vishnu. Its reference can be found in the Hindu epic Ramayana. In China, the phoenix is called Feng-huang and symbolizes completeness, incorporating the basic elements of music, colours, nature, as well as the joining of yin & yang. It is a symbol of peace, and represents fire, the sun, justice, obedience, and fidelity. The Feng-huang, unlike the phoenix which dies and is reborn, is truly immortal although it only appears in times of peace and prosperity.
I was listening to Shannon Port talk about Gratitude and Thanks Giving yesterday. It really gave me an attitude adjustment, which I desperately needed. So, I thought I should pay it forward. I learned that the original focus of Thanks Giving was to give thanks for the Harvest and this was celebrated with a festival and family gathering to enjoy the spoils of their toils. Thanks giving is always held on a Thursday which is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of plenty and abundance. (The Pagans always knew how to align with the planets didn't they?)
I admit I have been letting the news of the world get to me lately and haven't been feeling too grateful even though I have so much abundance in my life. I'm sure a lot of us have been feeling the same. This is all part of the plan of the dark entities(terrorists) that have really been making themselves known lately and creating so much fear and hatred among the masses. The last thing they want us to do is feel Love and Gratitude. But we must! It is our best defense. We have to keep feeling grateful...even it's just gratitude for 'Life' itself. Life is such a wondrous gift! It should never be taken for granted. This is what these terrorists do - they take life away from us because they know it's our most precious gift. But every time they do, we meet it with more Love, more Light.
I woke up this morning and said prayers of gratitude for my life, my home, my family, the trees, the birds, the flowers. Everything became a gift again. We have to keep up this practice. Now more than ever. We have to meet fear with love. The only way to conquer the dark is to turn on the light. Keep turning it on...again and again, brighter & brighter. We live in the garden of Eden and our harvest is plentiful. I for one am so grateful. I really needed this attitude adjustment. It will serve me well as we make our way toward Christmas and the New Year ahead.
Namaste - Have a Healing Harvesting Day.
I love this Cherokee Proverb. It feels so right and true to me and I wonder if we all adopted this - I mean really lived by it - all of us - every person-every nation-every tribe-how wonderful life would be.
What happened? How is that we have strayed so far from this truth. How is it that man is now feared by woman. Through the ages, it seems man has caused so much harm to woman. Raping, murdering, so much violence toward woman. I don't think many women see men as their 'protectors'.
Where we went wrong, in my opinion is that we changed one word in the second paragraph...just one word and it seems to have changed the whole dynamic of society. We changed the word 'protect' to 'provide'. We have asked our male counterparts to provide for us instead of protect us. I'm not sure where, when, why or how this changed, but I feel it has caused so much harm and discord between the sexes. It put so much pressure on man to be the providers and it was never meant to be this way. Men were the Hunters and women were the Gatherers. We worked together to provide for each other, our families and our tribes. How has it happened that all of a sudden it became mans burden to be the sole provider? How has it happened that we lost the balance between the sexes? By asking man to provide for woman, we have placed so much burden on him & given him so much power that it made woman seem weak and unable to provide for herself. She was no longer his equal, but now reliant on him like a child. In reality, God/Goddess is our provider. God our creator and Mother Earth are our provider of all our food, shelter, water etc. We were so in tune with that all those years ago when we lived on the land. Earth provided, we hunted and gathered. Man protected woman, woman nurtured man back to himself and source. We lived in harmony with God/Goddess, earth and each other. Man protected woman, he didn't harm her. Women were revered and celebrated. We were and are still the life givers. We birthed our families and it was man's highest calling to protect her so that she could keep creating, giving birth and growing our tribes. Perhaps it all changed when we stopped living on the land. We became disconnected to source and our mother earth. We no longer focused on protecting - 'providing' became our new focus. It seems we have been raping and pillaging ever since. I long for the old days of living in harmony with the land. Feeling protected, providing for each other and being in tune with our 'Highest Calling'. I will never give up my call to lead my man to his soul and as long as he protects me I am free to walk this earth unharmed. I think we are slowly heading back in that direction. The age of the Feminine is upon us and it's not to tip the scales in the other direction, but to bring back the balance from being a male dominated society that has been focused on providing for far to long. I'm sure we can all see that if we don't change our focus to protecting then pretty soon we will have nothing left to protect. Life needs to come full circle. We need to get back to the old ways of living in harmony and balance. This Cherokee Proverb should be our inspiration. It points the way back home to us and for us so that we can all walk this earth unharmed and in tune with our soul and with Source. I hear the call, can you?
I was listening to a talk yesterday by Lee Harris. He said something that stuck like glue and rang alarm bells in my ears. "Saying No, can open the door to some big Yes's."
How many times have we said yes to something even when we heard a little voice inside saying no? Only to discover later that we missed out on something wonderful because we were so busy saying yes to someone or something that we weren't really that interested in & didn't really want to do? I have done this in the past and I sometimes struggle with saying NO now.. All we really need is a little space to let our truth arise and give us clarity on why and how we can say No. A good way to put this into practice is by not saying yes or no straight away if you feel unsure and ask for some time to think it through before committing to anything. This allows us to do and act from our heart & truth and should eliminate the feeling of selfishness and or guilt that can often arise when you want to say no. (Society does like us to put others needs before our own and will objectify those who don't). It's a hard lesson for most of us.
Saying No to over-committing, over-extending, over-working, over-socializing (yes, it's that time of year again) is saying YES to YOU and YES to your Family. It's saying YES to your health, Yes to rest, Yes to play, Yes to discovering who you really are and what you really want. It's saying a BIG YES to FREEDOM!! Can you see how many doors this tiny little no opens? YES!!
I am declaring NOvember the month of NO. I wish to make NO serve me in the best way possible. I want all my NOs' to open the doors to Yes. YES! YES! YES! This will require space, time, quietness, deep inner listening and will help me to be more attuned to my inner needs, wants & desires. I will make 'NO' part of my Yoga practice for the entire month of NOvember.
Are you with me?
What do you mean, NO?
hahaha...you may just miss out on some mighty big YES's.
This morning I awoke with this thought...'My Dad has lost the art of conversation'. This gift that we all take for granted has ended his 64 year marriage and isolates him from others.
We, his family were too frightened to answer him back or share our opinions & perspective with him if it was different to his. We all wanted to please him so much that we either went along with what he said or we kept quiet. This act of self preservation on our behalf has aided him to lose the art of conversation. If we did have a different opinion or disagreed with him he would get louder, more abusive and so worked up that you would just back down or walk away. We often just left Mum to cop the abuse as we snuck away hoping he didn't notice we had done so. He saw himself as the head of the household & felt that it was only his views and opinions that mattered. When he talked, you listened!
So, he talked, we listened. This is how you have a conversation with my Dad. This has always been the way. This has, I feel, also caused him to become deaf. How perfect! Now, he has an excuse not to listen to anything you have to say. His deafness and his refusal to wear hearing aids makes it so difficult for you to talk to him that you give up. So, you just listen to him and don't contribute too much to the conversation because it is way to tiring. When he does talk, it's not really a conversation anyway, it is more just a set of opinions and complaints about everything and anything. He has very little if anything positive to say about the world or it's people. His true joy is in talking about the past and HIS past experiences. We have heard many of his stories, over and over in fact. Once again, because we can not offer our perspective it is all purely about him and his life.
At 87, it is hard, maybe even impossible for him to change now. But I see where, how and why I have contributed to this lost art of conversation. Yesterday, I went to visit him in hospital. I stood at the door way for a couple of seconds and looked at him before he noticed I was there. I felt love for him and thought he looked quite serene and well. It was only when we started to converse that the awkwardness and unease surfaced. No hearing aids. I have to raise my voice and repeat myself. He asked questions about Mum and tried to listen, but I found myself not wanting to say too much because it was too much hard work and I don't like yelling when the room is full of others trying to rest in their beds. The doctor came around and I had to interpret everything because he was a "quiet talker'. Then when Dad found out he couldn't go home, he started to bitch and complain about the shower. I showed him how to make it work for him, but he wouldn't take it in. So, what did I do? I shut down, listened to him complain for a while, said I have to go and I walked away. It is too hard, he won't listen, it's sad really.
I now see why I am such a good listener and why I find it difficult to talk about myself & what I do. I am going the opposite way, I am in danger of losing this wonderful art of conversation. Too much listening and not enough contributing, tipping the scales in the opposite direction. So interesting isn't it?...answer me! hahaha..
With 'smart phones' we are surely in danger of this art dying all together as we text or message each other on facebook instead of having real conversations. I too am guilty of this and sometimes I just crave a person to person conversation. May we all find balance with this art. May we all be contributors so that we can share our stories, listen to others stories and learn as much as we teach.
How do I tell my Dad he has lost the art of conversation, and we, his family helped him to lose it. Do you think he will understand? Do you think he will listen? The thought of broaching him with this conversation causes butterflies in my stomach. Hmmm...maybe a conversation for another day.
Please enjoy my offerings of poetry and my creative perspective on subjects that matter to me. I hope you find value and enjoy reading.