20's - Marriage, Motherhood, Divorce.
30's - Suicide and Marriage no.2.
40's - Yoga - Diving Deep, and a world of discovery there!
50's - Death, death & more death, Lots of discovery...but did I mention death?
Life just doesn't seem to get any easier, yet I am handling so much more it seems. It's true, we are only given what we can handle. Life's little shop of horrors seems to be open 24/7 these days. I find myself turning off all sources of media, even facebook is only a quick scan these days. I'm a sensitive, so I need to insulate myself. But horror still manages to sneak in through the back door.
This last week, I have sat by the hospital bedside of my almost 90 year old father. Neither of us knowing whether he will make it out alive. We have talked of life, death and many smaller details that make time pass comfortably. I held his hand and it occurred to me that it was probably the first time ever that we had held hands. I felt so incredibly sad.
Even then, I was holding his, but he wasn't really holding mine. The next day, I was reminded of this image of hand holding and how much love I had missed out on as a child. The floodgates opened and out came a really good quality snotty cry. It was quite the deluge! And so, so needed and warranted. I felt the pain of not feeling loved by my father. No hand holding, no hugs, no kisses, no I love you's. Quite frankly, I just wasn't seen by him. Once I came to grips with this devastation, the discovery appeared, I realized why and how I hold back my love and affection with others. I'm certainly a lot more affectionate than my father, I love a good hug and I am free with the I love you's, but I still feel a "holding back" at times. I forgive you dad, this was the way you were brought up etc, etc. I forgive myself too. We have done our best with what we have and where we are.
I gave Dad an Eclipse Mint the other day for his dry mouth. He said to me, "you look beautiful, today". Whaaat?...then I realized he was imitating the commercial, so I said back to him, "Don't be ridiculous". We both had a bit of a giggle, because we got each other. This thing we have in common - .Humour. Oh humour, you are a savior in life. You are the light in the darkness and I love you for it.
Two words have been floating around in my body this last week - Humility & Humour. They are such amazing gifts. In a sense, horror keeps you humble, it makes you take a good honest look at yourself, life and death. It makes you question everything and then it throws in some humour to lighten the load.
The older I get, the less time I have to dwell in darkness. I still go there, but I choose not to dwell. I retrieve what I need, I bring it into the light. I feel it, I work with it and I let it go. Done! Sadness does tend to linger longer. I allow that to hang out with me. We get quiet together. I nurse sadness with my love and make it as comfortable as possible. I treat it very gently and feed it spoonful's of understanding. I let it know I see, feel, hear you. Once it has been given the love and attention it needs, it starts to dissolve like a fluffy cloud and before I know it, clear blue skies have returned again and everything seems brighter. Again, it is Honesty, Humility and Humour that help the cloud to disappear. Laughter truly is the best medicine.
This week I have seen myself as a Wise, Wild Woman with a Wicked sense of Humour. And I am going to own that! It has taken me 55 years to get here. To dig through the deluge, delve into the deep, discover the jewels and delight in the gems. Just me and my holy tribe of honesty, humility and humour. Without them....I would be lost in the dark, waiting for the clouds to part.
May the long time sun shine upon you.